Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Maddy update

Maddy has been having some hard times with the new feeding tube that she got when she was hospitalized over the weekend. They had her getting bolus feeds (a fairly large amount over a short period of time) during the day and then continuous drip feeds all night. She was doing okay with that, although not liking the day feeds a whole lot. She also hasn't done very well with the heat, and has been resisting taking anything by mouth all day, so we have had to do almost all of her feeds by tube. The doctor was concerned about her not eating and that the heat was what was stealing her appetite.

Today she also started crying all through the bolus feeds. The third feed, I went to check the placement and couldn't get "pull back" to make sure it was still in her stomach. The dietitian at Apria couldn't verify it either, so we went into the feeding clinic. They could verify it was in the right place, but when we started the feed, she started screaming again. So, they put the rate down to what it is when she is having the continuous drip at night, and she calmed down.

So, for now she is on the continuous drip 20 hours a day, and she can eat from a bottle if she wants, but she doesn't have to. So far she hasn't been willing to take anything at all. All day she has taken less than 2 ounces by mouth. We meet with the full feeding clinic specialty team tomorrow afternoon, and they will decide what to do at that point. They will for sure change the feeding tube, and I will get more training on how to do it. They will also talk about what feeding schedule makes most sense, whether she needs to be admitted, and we will talk about whether it is time to put a direct feeding tube in that would be put in surgically and would go directly into her stomach.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Baby Snuggles

Just when I think the crying and fussing and needing ME
is going to drive me insane
a slobbery snuggle warms my soul
and the world is right

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Pain Medicine

I was thinking about how grateful I am that I live in a time when we have good doctors, medical tests and procedures that can save lives, and that I live in a country where I have access to good medical care. While I was reading Abinidi's words, it occurred to me that I am also lucky to live in a time when we understand so much about the Lord's prescription for spiritual pain.

I have always struggled with forgiveness, and specifically how to forgive people who either don't believe they need forgiveness, or who feel that I shouldn't be hurt by things they have done. I have realized that I still have to learn how to forgive them, even if they don't want to be forgiven, or don't see the need for me to forgive them. How to do that is not easy, and I am not sure I have it figured out yet, but I am grateful to know that it is possible.

I think that the greatest part of the atonement, which is also the hardest for me to understand on an emotional level, is that Christ can heal all of our emotional wounds, and take the pain away. When Alma and Amulek where forced to watch the believers and their families being burned, he knew that they would be received into heaven, but I am sure that there was great emotional pain that could have come from being forced to watch those events, if they hadn't had the knowledge of the gospel and the healing that comes from the atonement.

While many of the events in my life have been emotionally painful, I know that I have access to the same promises that Alma, Amulek and Abinidi had. I know that Christ has written the prescription, and it is only up to me to fill it, and partake of its healing. I know that to fill the prescription I must be willing to give away all my sins, and offer a broken heart and contrite spirit as payment.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Quick Thought

Have you ever wondered how your children will think of you when they are parents? What things will they remember? I assume my children will have forgotten as much as I have. So, here are a few things I hope they remember:

I love them, no matter what.
I believe that they should do what it takes to be happy.
Their mother loves the scriptures and believes in the gospel.
Their mother loves to read, period!
The three rules; do what you know is right, do what you are asked to, and ask for help when you need it.
No one is always right, that is why forgiveness was invented.
Mom is allergic to onions.
I love them, no matter what.

A blessed woman

I woke up at 1 am and looked over to where my wonderful husband was sleeping. He has a CPAP machine, so I couldn't just give him a kiss, but I kissed his shoulder and told him I loved him. As I was coming back from the bathroom I saw bright blue eyes peaking up at me from teh cradle. I snuggled Maddy for a while until she went to sleep, enjoying the breeze from the fan and windows. I had just gotten Maddy to sleep in her cradle when Sarah came down for the third time, to tell me about her latest bad dream. She must have passed Joshua on the stairs, because he came down about 5 minutes later to tell me that he woke up with a headache. I ushered him back upstairs after giving him 3 children's tylenol and a hug. I didn't see Kat in the middle of the night, but I thought of her as I fell back asleep, wondering if she was going to come visit.

There are lots of challenges being a mother and wife, but I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband to support me through them. Even when we are both tired, and find ourselves being cranky with one another, I never have to wonder if he loves me, or if he will be there when I need him.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Trying to sleep

Grey oblivion behind my eyelids beckons
Tempting me with thoughts of blissful sleep
Breathing slows and brain synapses calm
Languid muscles snuggled up against my husband
Safe, secure, loved and infinitely tired

Pain shoots from nerve to nerve
Stiffening my muscles
Wrenching me back to wakefulness
My mind rebelling against the intrusion
My heart sorrowing at the loss of oblivion

Another chance at rest
Broken by the pain
That refuses to let
The medication sweep it away

Monday, July 13, 2009

If noses were roses....

I had a "rotorooter" nose surgery about two weeks ago. I was breathing better from the moment I woke up from surgery. I was also hurting a lot when I woke up. Which I kind of expected. What I hadn't known goign into the surgery was that they needed to take out twice as much tissue as originally planned, and they needed to break all the small bones in my nose to help the airway stay larger.

So, two weeks out, I still hurt. At least I don't have a lot of swelling on the outside of my nose, so you can't tell I had surgery on it, unless you catch me in the middle of a nose bleed. I keep focusing on the fact that I breathe much better than I have since I was a teenager, and that I am lucky to have health insurance that paid for the entire surgery. So, better breathing was both priceless and free.

Friday, July 10, 2009


We are starting something new with the kids for scripture study. We will still read a chapter a day in the Book of Mormon, but before we do that, we will have them choose a Mormonad and read the scripture that goes with it.

For those that don't know, Mormonads are posters in the New Era that visually explaina gospel principle. For example there is one where there are four puppies eating from a bowl and one puppy that is being left out. At the top it says "Make Room for Everyone" and then at the bottom says "Look around. Is someone starving spiritually or socially because your group has turned its back?" Then it has the scripture reference of D&C 38:25.

This is another one...

After we have read the scripture and talked about what it means, then we are letting the kids put the mormonads up on the walls along their stairs. It is nice that they come in postcard size, so I think the kids will be able to put up all 56 of the mormonads. We should have them all up by David's birthday (October 24th) and I think it is a good way to introduce scripture concepts along with working our way through the Book of Mormon with them.

If you want to try it, they are not expensive, and can be ordered on the church's website.