A look back and forward

I wrote this poem a while ago, during a migraine that happened during one of the hardest times of my life. Today was a difficult day, and I went back and edited this poem. I am sharing it more as an anthem for others who may be struggling right now, and who need to know that they are not alone. We all have times when we feel that there is little we can do but survive. After a long winter, when the flowers start to bloom, sometimes surviving is enough. In looking back at that time, and forward to seeing Maddy in less than two weeks, I offer this poem.

Constant blinding pain

Flowing through your veins

Building up in the capillaries

Flowing through the synapses

Stopping for a while to pressurize

Creating blockages of the mind and heart

Cascading views bring the colors of agony

Flooding along the energy lines

Meridians of darting, slamming, drudging pain

And none of it is mine; it all is simply my legacy

To the children I love more than life

And to whom I leave nothing but the slaughter of their nerves and minds.

I love you, and hope that my pain will somehow shield you,

Or at least teach you how to survive it.

Uneven ground

Daisies side-by-side,
Triplet flowers of darkest blue.
No one would mistake them for nature's work,
And yet they are natural in this dream world
Where daisies turn navy, to make matches
Red hair and brown mingle in whispered secrets.

Twin nymphs smile their excitement,
Hoping to catch a glimpse of fairy dust,
Wondering if the fog hides pixies, magic and butterflies,
Winking at the solemn guards
Who hide nervous dreams of their own.


Hiking boots tromping along a trail,
Longer than the lives of those living.
Connected to generations of those who have walked the uneven ground,
Following dreams that were mere wisps when they started,
Solidifying into lives of earnest endeavor,
That create impossible flowers against brown hair;
So four more wood sprites can find their way out of the woods
On this morning's hike.

A Soft Morning

Mists rising then dissipating over time
Birds sleeping, then singing as they slowly wake, then take flight
Runners passing me in their pursuit of sweat
Dogs walking their owners
My feet stepping one in front of the other
On my way to peace.

Constant left and right, moving me through the park
Stepping forward through my life in small jumps
Sometimes backward, but always learning
Who I am, and who I can be
If I am just brave enough to take the chance.

From Hell to Happy - A Journey

I am finding that this is very true. Sometimes you just have to keep going, no matter how hard it is at the time. Somehow God always makes unexpected blessings just when you are sure that you are never going to smile again.

This weekend I had a great hike with the kids in the Gorge. We hiked Oneonta Trail up to Horsetail Falls, and we hiked Bridal Veil Falls. We also had a bunch of time just hanging out and snuggling. Having an entire day together was pure bliss.

Working has been an adventure, and while there are challenges, it has been nice to feel useful and to have a chance to use a more of my skills. I don't know how long it will last, but it is the right place for me for now.

So, if you are struggling today, know that tomorrow there will be something you don't expect, and it will help you smile.

My inner nerd

I have an inner nerd. She likes to read science fiction. She likes to read medical journals and science articles. She does long division out by hand, just to stay in practice. She prefers smart, nerdy guys to jocks. She would rather have a little chaos theory in her life, rather than spend each day doing the exact same thing.

What I hadn't realized before yesterday is that there is something called a Julia set, that may explain a lot about me. In a Julia set, even small changes can make a radical difference is what happens.

I hope that applies to me too. I hope that making small changes, one at a time, will help change the entire outcome of my life.

(If you want to find more beautiful nerdy things, like the one in the picture above, just go here.)