Musings on infertility

Well, most of you reading this know that Michael and I are trying to get pregnant. If you didn't before, you do now. lol While getting pregnant with Joshua wasn't easy (it took 5 years), the twins pregnancy was a nice surprise, because I didn't have to do any "trying." As soon as I stopped breastfeeding Joshua, I got pregnant. Since my body is older and the polycystic ovarian syndrome has been acting up more, this time around it has taken a lot more work.

So, since Michael and I got married, I have been on chlomid to try and make my cycles more regular. So far I have only had two "regular" cycles, and not for several months, so we are upping the dosage to see if that will work. It is the same medicine, but at this dosage there are a lot more side effects. They warned me about all of them, but I hadn't realized how big a difference this was going to be, since I had almost no side effects previously.

So, here is the whiny part. It is beautiful outside, the weather is hot, and I would love to be outside hiking or gardening, or anything to enjoy this, probably brief, round of beautiful weather. Since I am on the medicine though, I am much more sensitive to the sun, I burn easier, and I don't' sweat. So, I have spent most of the time inside my cave-like house. I even need sunglasses to be able to drive, which is unusual for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will look back at this, holding a baby in my arms, and feel a sense of fulfillment because I was willing to do the things needed to bring ore children into the world. Or, will I look back at all the time I could have been spending with Joshua, Sarah and Kathleen, and wish I hadn't spent so much energy trying to create another child that never came. I guess that in the end, it will depend on the Lord's Will, and my willingness to recognize it when He shares it with me.